Mooladhara Chakra/Root or Base Chakra

The development of IMAGERY in Kundalini Yoga in relation to the Chakras was developed originally so that young children from the age of 6 to 12 years of age could sit with Masters and learn about the aspect & essence of each chakra with the use of imagery, which for young children is a highly potent way to integrate ideas. This is why there are so many symbols & pictures accompanying the stories. Children are innocent & forgetful therefore spontaneous.

PSYCHOLOGY OF CHAKRAS:

List of Chakras:

8. Sahasrara/Crown Chakra: “Thousand Petal Lotus”

7. Soma Chakra/Middle of Forehead: “Nectar”

6. Ajna Chakra/Third Eye: “Command or Order” (3 Gunas/Qualities: Satwa, Rajas & Tamas)

5. Vishuda Chakra/Throat Chakra: “Pure” (ETHER) space, sky, vacuum, empty, integrated

4. Anahata Chakra/Heart Chakra: “Unstricken” (AIR) expansion & movement

3. Manipura Chakra/Navel Centre: “City of Gem” (FIRE) piercing, brilliance, penetrating

2. Swadhistana Chakra/Genital Region: “Dwelling Place of the Self” (WATER) flexible, assumes

The shape of the container

1. Mooladhara Chakra/Base or Root Chakra: “Root or Foundation” (EARTH) gross, stiff, stubborn, solid, closed, sharp edges, self-centered, pleasures & comforts himself.

MOOLADHARA CHAKRA/Base Chakra

MOOLADHARA / ROOT CHAKRA

Moola=Root

Adhara=Foundation

Chakra=Wheel

Location: In between the Perineum & the Anus

Element: Earth

Sense: Smell

Sense Organ: Nose

Work Organ: Anus

Internal Organ: Rectum

Prana: Apana

# Of Petals: 4

Petular Sounds: Vam, Sam, Sham, Sum

Petal Colors: Red

Bija Mantra: Lam (Golden Color)

Planet: Mars (vital) supports a person for fighting

Animal: Iravata (7 trunked elephant with trunks representing: 1. Raja = clay/earth/matrix 2. Rasa=Fluids 3. Rakta=Blood 4. Mamsa=Flesh, Nerve Fibres, Tissue 5. Medha=Fat 6. Ashti=Bone 7. Majjan=Bone Marrow

Nature of life

Color of Chakra: Gold

Shape: Square

Ruling Deity: Ganesha

Male Deity & Details: Bala Brahma (Child Brahma) with 4 heads representing (individual self, social self, emotional self, rational self)

Lotus flower=purity

Vedas=knowledge & creation

Vase=Nectar/Vital Potentcy

Mudra=fearlessness

Female Deity & Details: Dakini Shakti representing power (creator, preserver, destroyer) skull in left hand = detachment of fear of death which is a basic block for the Mooladhara (first) chakra.

Symbolism:

SHIELD: to take shelter & protection behind the shield & OBSERVE how the adversary (be it physical, mental or spiritual) is functioning. OBSERVATION also allows for detachment from the enemy to provide SPACE, when you continue to observe the distance between you and your opposition increases and you will be less likely to be drawn in.

SWORD: represents the Will. When by observation you see that you’re still drawn to excessive involvement with destructive activities, you take the sword to cut it off.

SKULL: to always remember that death is always before you and to inspire you to lead a better life. Upholds the real nature of the body & its non-permanence.

TRIDENT: 3 pronged. Representing I Came her, I am here (to live as happily as possible) & I will happily go when it is time.

Aspects: Food, Security & Shelter

We protect ourselves with food to ensure our security so that we may have shelter.

The basic level of (physical) operation for this chakra is excretion because it is located between the genitals and anus. It is governed by the prana Apana that flows downward. Therefore Mooladhara Chakra is responsible for excretion, urination, menstrual flow, ejaculation & giving birth. Whenever issues of security are touched the anus comes into play. We pull up our sphincter muscle in the anus and block the prana from flowing in the downward direction, which makes us feel nervous and tense inside. A child usually sleeps with the base open (ie: legs spread apart) but still holds on to its thumbs for security because it is looking for something to hold on to. This aspect develops very early in human beings. Food comes to a child by Grace & Sacrifice from the parents & immediate family. The child doesn’t need to do anything in order to receive the food.

This is an example that humans are the instruments and we will fulfill the purpose of Nature. Human beings intervene too much with the Nature of things.  We make mistakes out of insecurity. Our tense psychological life makes us contract our perennial/genital region and pull it upward whenever we feel insecure about issues revolving around Food, Security & Shelter. If the mother is relaxed at the time of birth the result of an easygoing child is much more prominent.  A child has different cries for different needs. (*Paris knew early on the different cries Lucien had and could tend to him accordingly based on his cries).

During delivery a mother goes from intense pain to no pain at all once the child has been birthed. It is in the moment that the pain disappears that feelings of Love & Celebration are experienced. And it is at this moment that the Mother lactates. This is the exact science and work of the Intelligence.

Exploration of 1^st Chakra = Stirring this centre energetically through pranayama exercises to bring up what is in our content with relation to the issues & emotions involved with Food, Security & Shelter.

The traits aren’t “BAD” but are negative due to the lack of possibility for HIGHER TRANSFORMATION. Therefore we must stay alert and keep our awareness open.

 *Negative aspects/tendencies are destructive in nature.

Physical: Excretion & the Pushing Out of fluids

Mental: Food, Security & Shelter

Spiritual: Feeling secure which leads to Communion & Community, Empathy, Sharing & Surrendering Control Issues.

Positive Emotions/Aspects of Mooladhara Chakra: (when we feel secure about basic aspects of Food, Security & Shelter)

-Creativity

-Resignation

-Community

-Sharing

*Negative Emotions/Aspects of Mooladhara Chakra: (when we feel insecure about basic aspects of Food, Security & Shelter)

-Fear

-Panic

-Tension

-Violence

-Hoarding

-Possessive

-Insecure

-Jealous

-Untrusting

-Anxiety

-Neurotic

-Desperation

-Greed

-Isolation

-Paranoia

-Apathy

The Mooladhara Chakra has a potential “knot” or “trap” within its composition. It is called the Brahma Grandhi or The Knot of Brahma meaning the know of the Creator. (Brahma=Creator).

Because of the self serving nature of the Mooladhara Chakra there is an entanglement in us, which makes it difficult to get out of the physical pleasures or excessive involvement in taking care of a perishable body. We also become too attached to the attainment and enjoyment of material wealth and goods.

Eight Limbs of Yoga by Master Patanjali

ASHTANGA YOGA:

Ashta = 8

Anga = Limbs

Yoga = Union

(NOT THE SAME ASHTANGA AS POPULARISED BY PATABI JOIS)

EIGHT LIMBS:

1.    Yama – Restrains

2.    Niyama – Observances

3.    Asana – Physical Exercises/Postures

4.    Pranayama – Control of the Vital Force

5.    Pratyahara – Withdrawal of Senses

6.    Dharana – Concentration

7.    Dhyana – Meditation

8.    Samadhi – Integration

BREAKDOWN OF THE EIGHT LIMBS IN DETAIL:

1. Yamas (Restrains – how to conduct yourself in the world)

  

   - Non-violence = Ahimsa

   - Truth = Satya

   - Honesty = Astheya

   - Continence = Brahmacharya

   - Non-possession = Aparigraha

Note* A devotee or student to Yoga must have these 5 principles to be peaceful and     

         ready for Yoga.

        

-NON-VIOLENCE/AHIMSA: Violence comes from conflict, which comes from FEAR of losing our IMAGE. Violence needs a stimulus to respond to for us to go into “fight or flight”.

-TRUTH/SATYA: facts & how not to distort fact. Cannot speak about truth. Truth is silence. Without SEEING the truth one cannot lie. Life loses its base, which is based in reality. When you lie you distort reality and project untruths & become a fragmented person. This then becomes disintegration or a “crack in our plate”. BE COURAGEOUS ENOUGH TO PRESENT THE FACTS AS THEY ARE.

-HONESTY/ASTHEYA: Thoughts + Actions + Words must be aligned. This goes with truth. Not thinking one way and acting another. When you are disharmonized you are dishonest with yourself not anyone else.

-CONTINENCE/BRAHMACHRAYA: Moving with Consciousness. Moving with Brahmacharya. This factor has been turned around and made about sex & made into a taboo, which is incorrect. What it really means is to remain with The Master in consciousness so your mind doesn’t wander. Whatever we do will show up in our practice. (Tantra Yoga is living in your sex with such awareness that even your sex becomes yoga).

-NON-POSSESIVENESS/APARIGRAHA: when we see something as beautiful we have an affinity toward that object. That is why we see something beautiful we want to go closer to it. What we do is become attached. (Santhi: “it is absolutely beautiful to become attached”) The happiness mongering area within you is communicating with the beautiful object & you form a union & an ecstatic celebration take place. This is normal. We then go home & are distracted by the thought or memory of the ecstasy. We become pre-occupied by attaining that ecstasy again. We keep the impression of the initial celebration within us and want to possess & re-create the moment & we can NEVER do that again. THIS IS POSESSION. *Attachment leads us to possess * I don’t want to be disposed mentality and *I don’t want anyone else to posses this beautiful object.

2. Niyamas (Observances – Personal Code)

    - Cleanliness = Suchi or Soucha

    - Contentment = Tripty or Santosha

    - Self Study = Swadhyaya

    - Austerity = Tapas

    - Surrender to God = Iswara

-CLEANLINESS/SUCHI or SOUCHA: keep the body clean/keep the mind clean. When people panic they don’t want to come into contact with water. We negate the basics of life. When we are upset we want to sleep rather than take a shower. When we get tense we should take warm water showers & drink warm water. This supports calms and us  down Water is the greatest purifier both inside & outside. Panic is created at the base of our body pushing upwards. Causing insecurity. Use hot water to drink to calm yourself down. Keep drinking a bit of hot water for 5 – 6 hours & panic will subside with the use of any drugs.

-CONTENTMENT/TRIPTY: satisfaction with what you have in the moment. Live in contentment & trust you will get a chance to have more another day but don’t spend today working for tomorrow. Work today because you love your job & feel contentment & you go to work. Tomorrow you will have more giving yourself the opportunity tomorrow to enjoy more.

-SELF-STUDY/SWADHYAYA:

1. Sravana – observing your mind with your mind. Must observe for Yogic students. 

    Hearing & Listening is important. Speaking & communicating through our filters.  

    When the filters/values line up we feel we have understood.

2. Manana – analysis

3. Nididhyasan – putting into practice

-you hear

-you analyze

-you synthesize

-you put into practice

 -AUSTERITY/TAPAS: living with a specific system. An Austere Life. Tapas means “heating up” or “cooking”. When we experience conflict we feel a heat in our belly region & this heats up our system. The body is the temple where your soul is housed. To get out of this look at what is causing you to burn to death. (usually based in DESIRE). Identify conflicting desires to end suffering. Unholy thoughts are any thoughts that give you conflict. Tapas is burning the desires & conflicts that cause you trouble. Look at desire. Stay with desire intensely then the desire subsides & the fire is put out. We tend to see our desire and label it as bad and run away from it in our minds further burying them and giving them more power. Staying with our desires until they subside is a sacrificial burning therefore good for us.

-SURRENDER TO GOD/ISHWARA: God is clear of everything. Knowledge. Free of pleasure & pain. Higher intelligence that created manifestation. God is the Creator, Sustainer & Destroyer. IE: no path forward & no path back, no path side to side & a tiger jumps out – what will you do? Reach! Jump UP for HEAVEN. You surrender to God the tiger comes up and licks you & takes care of you. IE: enemy soldiers surrendering; taken by enemy soldier, put into truck & taken to camp & given to food. *SURRENDERING ALWAYS ALLOWS YOU TO BE TAKEN CARE OF.

Nature is always showering Grace upon us – like sunshine. We have deadened some. We have lost the capacity to experience GRACE. This will allow you to lead life with confidence not with Ego but with Trust & Faith. You will be protected & taken care of.

Yama + Niyama = The 10 Principles of Yoga

3. ASANA/POSTURES: “Sthiram Sugham Asanam” – Patanjali

Long steady comfortable position is Asana.

Asanas are classified by position & its nature:

-standing position

-sitting position

-lying position

-balancing position (prone & supine)

-balancing position

-upside down position

along with…

- cultural – reculture your body to be better suited for surviving & thriving. Blocks occur when pranic flow becomes clogged in a certain part of our body. Cultural Asanas reposition our body so we can re-establish pranic flow.

-relaxing – most animals are relaxed. When they are full they don’t think about food. Animals get great power & energy when they get hungry & see prey for food. Humans get lost & tired when they don’t eat. Basic drives for animals are FOOD & SEX. Same for humans but we don’t accept it because of social conditioning. Asanas are therefore designed on RELAXING positions of animals to aid in relaxing human beings. The idea being that human beings are formed from lower forms of beings. This works with our inner psyche. *MOST ANIMAL NAMED ASANAS ARE CULTURAL ASANAS (Santhi: eventually we should do asanas because it is satisfying not for exercise or a TTC Certificate)

*Asana it not what we are doing but the RESULT of what we are doing!!!

*Asana is ONE aspect of yoga it is NOT yoga. In the west we have developed asanas as exercise & sell it as yoga. It is a posture NOT yoga.

-meditative – IE: Shavasana. To meditate and withdraw

Mind becomes focused and non-attached: The Conscious mind is trained to be one-pointed, while also learning to let go of the other impressions that are flowing through the field of attention (non-attachment or vairagya). 

The veil is opened: As the Conscious mind becomes quiet, the veil between Conscious and Unconscious is gradually opened, allowing more thoughts, feelings, sensations, images or impressions to come forward from the Unconscious to the Conscious. 

Impressions drift away: The mind continues to be focused, as the impressions rising from the Unconscious are allowed to drift away, in a spirit of non-attachment (vairagya). 

Mind is expanded: Eventually the Conscious mind is expanded in such a way that we go beyond all aspects of the mind. 

4. PRANYAMA/CONTROL OF VITAL FORCE:

Breath is the carrier of Prana

Prana is the vehicle of the Mind

Prana Vayu = oxygen (vital air)

Without oxygen you cannot liberate the vital force to animals

Minerals > hydrogen

Plants > carbon dioxide

Aimals > oxygen

- oxidation is an exothermic reaction

- meaning pushing out heat

- heat is called PRANA

- which is converted into bioelectricity

- it is this bioelectricity that is considered VITAL FORCE or PRANA

- oxidation generates carbon dioxide & water

- this bioelectricity performs all the function in the body

- moves by impulses which is why we can MINDFULLY  transport impulses

   where we want them to go (Channelization)

- you can concentrate the ROUTE of the Prana through the MIND

        where you concentrate your mind the energy will go to that place

     - Prana means there is force

- wherever there is movement there is PRANA

- Prana is the cause of ALL movement, which requires MOTIVATION & INSPIRATION

- these two aspects are THE MIND (Manas)

- because there is mind movement never stops

Pooraka = Inhalation/filling (active process)

Rechaka = Exhaling/emptying: gap>exhale>gap (less active due to release)

Kumbhaka = Retaining/holding the breath (the gap)

Inhale with belly OUT

Exhale with belly IN

     Three ways of breathing:

1.    long inhale & short exhale (for reconstruction & in need of energy conservation)

2.    short inhale & long exhale (this is a SIGH, done when tense)

3.    equal inhale & exhale (balanced)

     *Madhyama = Breathing

1.    Rhythmic Breathing/Sectional Breathing (3 types)

- Uttama Adya = throat/clavicular breathing

- Madhyam = chest/intercostal breathing

- Adhama = abdominal or diaphragmatic breathing

(FOR CORRECTING THE MECHANICS OF BREATHING)

     

2.    Nadi Sodhana Kriya (Purification of Subtle Perception Path)

- process exercise NOT PRANAYAMA

- for cleansing

- alternate nostril breathing 1:2 ratio

3.    Kapalabhati (Breath of Fire) – PRANIC EXERCISE NOT PRANAYAMA

- for stimulating brain cells

- forced exhale

- passive inhale

- X for those with Blood Pressure issues

    

4.    Suryabhedana Pranayama

- activates Solar (right) side

- inhale right  by closing left nostril

- exhale left by closing right nostril

    

5.    Chandra Bhedhana Pranayama

- activates Lunar (left) side

- inhale left by closing right nostril

- exhale right by closing left nostril

- Inspiring & expiring should be slow & deep

     

6.    Bastrika Pranayama – bellowing breathing

- inhale & exhale with equal force

    

7.    Brahmari Pranayama – bumble bee sound

- pushed up toward the brain to activate higher centre

    

8.    Seethal – cooling effect

- curl tongue

- inhale through mouth

- exhale through nostrils

9.    Seethari (Ujaayi) – Hissing Sound

    

10.Anuloma Viloma Pranayama – Inhale 1, Retain 4, Exhale 2

- Alternate nostrils for balance

5.    PRATYAHARA/WITHDRAWAL OF SENSES:

      

         ALL THESE LEAD TO THE MIND (MANAS)

IE: RECOGNITION – projecting stored information to recognize someone. Ins spiritual practice this can be a problem because there isn’t a need to know.

*We see the world as we are, not as it is. Senses don’t give KNOWLEDGE but rather PERCEPTION. If the world is a question of personal perspective then why do we place so much importance on it?

Cutting off the mind means to stop the projection of what you are looking at & just seeing what is in front of you – PURE PERCEPTION.

Our goal is to realize. Yoga is stopping the activities of the mind. Get into a state of Concentration. Being still stops flow of prana then senses withdraw automatically.

6.CONCENTRATION/DHARANA: ( SUBJECT + PROCESS + OBJECT)

- KSHIPTA = goes on shifting point to point & thought to thought

- VIKSHIPTA = distracted mind

- MOODA = infatuated or obsessed mind

- EKAGARA* = concentrating mind (entertaining a particular thought for a long     period of time without distraction ).                          

- NIRUDHA = meditative mind. Can withdraw & stay in itself without distractions or idea. This mind leads a person to Samadhi (Integration)

NOTE: first three are very fast moving and not ideal for Yogis

There is strain in concentration all the time. Requires a strong Focus State. Has tension in it because natural tendency of the mind is to jump from one point to another (like a drunk monkey – never still always moving searching for happiness). After long term practice the tension disappears. Persistency.

7.DHYANA/MEDITATION: (SUBJECT+OBJCECT+PROCESS)

meditation is effortless existence. Continuous flow of the mind to the point of attention for a continuously long period of time without effort or tension. Has 3 aspects: SUBJECT + OBJECT + PROCESS (meditation is the process). The 3 aspects are called TRIPUTI (tri=three + puti+aspects). Beginning of meditation is the awareness that you’re meditating. Reaching meditation means you are now part of the process & at one with the object.

8.SAMADHI/INTEGRATION: (HIGHEST STATE OF YOGA) becoming ONE with  something. You are a part of the object OR the object is one with you.

Swami Santhi: The point of yoga is Love & Compassion. God is Love. The expression of Love is Compassion.

On A See-Saw by the Sea

I was reminded via a text message from The Englishman that my blog is in need of a serious update. Which I am aware of…

If I had Wi-Fi or Internet access in my room or anywhere in the hallowed halls of the Peacock Hotel, updates would be fast & furious. You’d feel as though it was YOU who was in India on a Yoga Teacher Training Course!

But… I don’t have easy access to Internet and during the TTC course; there is little time for anything aside from an evening shower and bedlington due to the intensity of the course load and the theory based content, which is HEAVY. My intension is to break some of the more interesting parts down and share here. Especially since Angel Wong has written a message about incorporating Chakras in the Yoga process. Something Swami Santhi’s teachings are ALL ABOUT.

Sigh… so… the good news is… I have successfully completed Level I. I did not pass with my intended goal of HONORS status but rather with “First Class” status.  We had a graduation ceremony and were presented with our certificates. I’d be lying if I was to say it wasn’t a warm and fuzzy feeling. There is so much that happened in the month that seemed to fly by. But while in it… some mornings, when my 5:30am wake up call came via my blackberry alarm, the beginning definitely seemed to come too early.

The first month was intense on so many levels. There was getting used to the surroundings. Just the sounds alone are an immersion of such magnitude. I seem to be right at home sleeping through sirens but add lizards making their distinct clicking sounds, mosquitoes buzzing around with the persistency of the beach front vendors, the random HUGE flying cockroach, dogs barking and howling depending on the state of the moon cycle, frogs croaking, rickshaws and motorbikes whizzing past the hotel with late night commuters on the dark dirt roads, and the whirring of the ceiling fan with the odd random comment escaping from Mel’s sleep talking mouth… it is very easy to lay WIDE AWAKE well into the night.

With the sonic symphony aside… there is the instant community of the students on the course. We share a lot of space together throughout the day. In total we numbered 15. Here is a list of my classmates: Edelweiss & Luis from Mexico City, Nika from Slovenia, Mischa from Prague, Mariella from Italy, David a Swiss living in Hong Kong, Suresh (a local man who has studied with Swami Santhi for nearly 4 years), Shyla (another local woman who has taken guidance with Swamiji for a couple of years), Lincoln from Pennsylvania (Lincoln achieved the highest marks in our class), Chihiro a yoga teacher with her own studio from Japan, Mami a Japanese woman who lives and works in Bangalore, Elizabeth who is born in St. Kits but lives in Washington DC and describes herself as a “recovering attorney”. She also is a certified yoga instructor with her own studio, Susan from California, she took level I already and is back for level II but worked as Santhi’s assistant for Asana practice, and Mel, my room mate from the UK. Surrey born now living in Brighton. She’s a care worker and a Reiki practitioner. To round it out, there is Me…

It was a very culturally diverse group and the women are especially of a strong character. I’ve never been a “sorority” sister type. Neither wanting or needing to do things in groups, yet the organic company of one is something I’ve always welcomed and have learned through years of experience both personally and professionally, how to negotiate my way through large group outings.

Luckily for me aside from a couple of episodes that were all self-process related, I flew well under the radar and had great relations with everyone. My dramatic episodes, were very contained yet I openly let myself experience my shifts. They are mostly physical releases that have been trapped since my violent assault on June 3^rd of 1995. Ever since my assault my hips and groin have been strained and tight. This makes perfect sense as it the sexual centre and although I wasn’t sexually assaulted it is also the location of our base chakra, otherwise known as the Mooladhara Chakra. This chakra is all about food, security & shelter. The chakra directly above it is the Swadhistana Chakra, it is to do with sex, family and creativity. I’ll dedicate an entire entry breaking down each of the chakras soon. I think it will be fascinating to learn the TRUTH about chakras and kundalini yoga as taught by a Master who teaches the 8 limbs of yoga as set out by Patanjali, the founder of Ashtanga Yoga. Ashtanga when broken down means Ashta=eight and anga=limb yoga=union/unity. So the eight limbs to unity. I’ve also experienced chest pains on my left side. A cramping of sorts. It is most definitely scary as I experience it, the first time being in the middle of the night. I thought I was having a heart attack and was gasping for air. But I’m in perfectly good health and feel more than certain my intermittent episodes of feeling stifled and gasping for air along with physical releases which include regaining feeling in parts of my body that have literally been number for years (my left foot!) is all to do with shifts taking place directly related to my assault and my current feeling of being “stifled”. I have one foot in one life and no idea where to place my other foot… or as Annette says “one foot on a bar of soap & the other on a banana peel”.

It was directly after my assault that my life and life path changed. Looking back now I can see clearly I had no idea how to crawl out of the trauma and back on a path of wellness. The violence coincided with the break up of a relationship I so adored but was in hindsight, merely a bystander in. I realize now we must actively engage and participate in our lives. Or else we will perpetually feel victimized and life will forever feel like it is happening to us. Every day I am reminded of how important it is for us to get to know ourselves so we can become a potent causing agent in our lives, the lives of others, and contribute in a world that is being contaminated by fear mongerers at such a rapid rate. Be they political, corporate or religious. So many people have a vested interest in keeping control over us.

So for me, a lot of the physical trauma, which is buried, is coming to the surface. Swamiji came to see me one day in my room because I missed asana practice. Both my feet were beyond fat and swollen; I looked like something mildly horrible had happened to me. When I walked it felt at once like walking on a bed of nails and hot coals. It wasn’t fun.  I burst into tears because I just couldn’t stand the pain any longer. There is something about Swamiji that makes me realize he SEES EVERYTHING. So what is the point of hiding or defending in front of a Master who so obviously sees all? I didn’t see any point. But I did have my resistance radar up because my ego is so involved in not wanting to be “issue girl”. Upon closer inspection of getting to know the others… I realize I am in no danger of taking first prize in the category of “ISSUE GIRL”.

I’ve been pretty open about my process, not in a Jerry Springer kind of way but to myself and if anyone asks me directly I respond honestly. I have decided I didn’t come all this way to learn Yoga (Union) and be fragmented. I don’t want to tell stories to make myself appear “stronger”. I realize my strength lies in telling the truth as it is. And besides, at this point, my assault is not happening to me now, although the pain I feel directly mimics the pain of the actual assault. Swamiji warned us of this happening in Kundalini Yoga. That when our buried issues surface, we will feel them as though it is happening now. He told us this very factor is why Kundalini Yoga is sometimes the receiver of “bad press”. He gently and quietly reminds us in a reassuring voice that the event or memory we are experiencing is in fact NOT happening in reality, that we are simply feeling all the feelings associated with the incident and all we have to do is be willing and open and just observe and acknowledge them and let them go. There is in fact nothing to work through. I think we live in a culture where we make monsters out of molehills. We turn little ants into gargantuan monsters that are out to destroy us and we scare ourselves to a place of such resistance that we hide away anything that we find uncomfortable. Feeling our feelings should be a natural part of life yet we are taught to be happy without ever embracing the existence of sorrow. Run from sorrow at Olympic speed towards happiness, but with no skills to assess what “HAPPY” actually is for us on an individual basis. The idea of identifying our “values” seems to be more extinct than the last roaming dinosaur.

My openness was rewarded with valuable feedback. Many of my classmates told me when I spoke it touched them so much that they too cried. Others commended me on my ability to be so open and said they found it inspiring. Not to mention, I received a lot of hugs. I love hugs, but not from people I barely know. Yet, I let my guard down and simply embraced people embracing me. Much as I took my 16-day intensive last October, I burst into tears at our graduation ceremony when it came time to speak. I was the only one to do so… (I have a bit of an ego issue with this but am mostly okay with it). I wasn’t expecting to cry at all, but then I did. How does the nursery rhyme go? Wednesdays Child Is Full of Woe… (One guess what day of the week I was born!) So I cried. Because I’m emotional. The journey that has led me to be here is one only I know in totality. I have shared it with some more than others but no one knows me the way I do, and no one feels me the way I do. And although my default position is one of optimism there is within me, much sadness. I am realizing this year only, how I participated in checking out of my own life and my own life goals after my assault. And when I realize this 15 years after the fact, it makes me sad. Because I always thought I knew better than to check out for that long. I allowed the assault and the break up of my relationship with Mark to ruin me.  I ran away to New York broken and drugged up on cocktail of painkillers and sedatives. Looking back I have no idea how I was able to take care of myself during that summer in New York.  It was with no shortage of well-placed guardian angels. Some of who are still in my life today and others who exist only in my memory. My 20’s were intense. I was happiest in my early 20’s and then again when I moved to London in my 1996. It wasn’t an easy time but I felt like I found myself again. Only in a “scratch the surface” kind of way. It was the first time in a LONG time I was single and I enjoyed it. I was able to foster lovely PLATONIC relationships with men and live in a city I love. But life has a way of giving us a reality check. And I had a few opportunities to wake up into my own life that I never took. Nothing like a good lump full of cancer in the arm to bring you into reality!

But let’s not talk about that here. As The Englishman often says “it’s not the work of the moment”…

So what have I realized in my five weeks in India? I’ve realized I believe EVERYONE should come to India at least for two weeks in his or her lifetime. Why? Because it is a place that just happens as life does. In all my travels to all the places in the world, I have yet to come across anywhere that could ever compare to India. There is a beauty & bestiality here that so accurately mirrors life ANYWHERE. Except here, it happens with such a gross lack of subtlety and it happens every minute of everyday in the most mundane situations. If you have control issues, and let’s face it, which one of us DOESN’T have control issues? Come to India. If you have “right/wrong” issues, come to India. If you have “good/bad” issues, come to India. If you are rigid and judgmental, come to India.

India will take all the concepts and rules you hold so dear, shake it out of you and force you to look at the world with new eyes. I bet many a foreigner has gone blind here.  Every one of your senses will be assaulted here. Never before have I been to a country that could simultaneously repulse me and revolutionize me. I die a little and am born a little each moment that I am in India.

Most of the time, I don’t understand why Indians do things the way they do. When I first came to India at the age of 19 the ways of Indians repulsed me and I immediately set out to share with them the “better” way. The way of the West. Now, I simply observe & enjoy. I am able to witness my growth in India more than any other place. Some of my classmates who have never been here before, or even if they have, depending where they are in their personal process of life, have a constant running commentary on what they see and how incredulous, confusing, down right retarded (yes! I am writing the word RETARDED) the ways of Indians in India are.

India is the slice of humble pie each of us needs to be fed at some point in our life. We all have our ideas about what is good and what is bad and we’re all experts about how to do life “better”.  I have never seen people more infected with disease as I have in India. Be it lepers sequestered to a shanty colony on the outskirts or town, or people who wear flip flops on their hands to walk because their legs are useless limbs that simply drag behind them. I am hustled every day here. By the men on the beach and the children in the lanes and alleyways.  Each time I see a child I try and find Paris, Lucien, Aaliyah or Yasmeen inside their eyes. Because I know within each of these children there is a PLAYful spirit. Every day that I walk alone I am objectified, sexualized, jostled, followed & catcalled. And every day I am also greeted with genuine hellos, curiosity & smiles. There is a little boy who knows my name and asks me every day if I want to buy a bottle of water from his shop. I think his name is Manur. He is sweet and lovely to me. In a lane that has me negotiating a cavalry worth of men who leer at me and try and engage me in conversation, in the middle of it all, I know there will be Manur. As soon as he sees me, whether I’m alone or with some of my fellow students, he releases into the ether of the lane, “Hello Sima! How are you?” His face and eyes light up and I always make sure I look at him when I return his sweet salutation. Sometimes I’ll touch the top of his head and smile. He doesn’t always ask me if I need water. But he always says hello. Now that I am no longer afraid, I look into the eyes many but not all the Indians who look at me. Yes, even the men. Because they cannot take anything from me. I don’t lose any part of myself by looking back at them. By looking at them I establish that both of us exist. And I am sure to give a look of warmth, but one that also lets them know we will never exist together. Our co-existence is fleeting and regular. It happens nearly at the same time at the same place every day. When I walk by and they watch me walk by. The more I find myself within myself, the less I fear that perfect strangers have the ability to take parts of me I don’t want to give up. The more fearless I become, the more I am able to share in the human experience.

Yet I know I am at risk here. I know I cannot walk alone in the dark for long and that venturing out in the day by myself for solo adventures is pretty much out of the question. Yet all my fellow female classmates and the local girls enjoy much more freedom.

I am a bit of an anomaly here. I am a non Indian Indian. Or as the Indians like to tell me each day “you are like an Indian” or “you look like an Indian”. Each day I respond with the same answer, smiling “I am Indian!”  I am not Indian enough in India and I am not foreign enough in India. I am an attraction of curiosity in India.

I know too, it is the way I choose to present myself that adds to the allure and curiosity. I know that if I chose to wear no make up and a salwar kamis every day I could easily fly so below the radar. But I didn’t come here to be a chameleon. I came here to be myself. So I take it all and I have learned not to label any of it good or bad. They are simply interactions and some are more pleasant than others. And I cannot say that any of it has been unbearably unpleasant.

Mrs. K for years has told me I was too analytical. Always thinking everything through five ways to Sunday and then flipping it over and looking at it again. She also has told me for years that I am too hard on myself. For years, I never understood this. It was only this year that I finally started to understand the essence of what she was saying. Every time Mrs. K said, “Sima, you’re too hard on yourself” the thought that IMMEDIATELY ran through my mind was “what is she talking about? I am such a pampered lazy git!” Not at ALL realizing how I was fulfilling her observation of me each and EVERY time! Because I am NOT a pampered and lazy git (although don’t get me wrong! Because I would like to be, maybe when I grow up!). I am a VERY hard working individual on many levels. I just work hard in my own way and on my very unique time line.

So what is it that makes us feel we need to conform? We all feel this need in some way. I’ve been learning a lot about “social conditioning” from Swamiji’s teachings. The pressure from the outside gets so much attention that the inner voice, that intimate friend of ours that lives deep within us and stirs our soul, that whisper we hear, the beauty we feel when out in nature, the peace we feel when listening to a musical composition that soothes our soul, the din of silence that allows us to hear our own thoughts and the rise and fall of our breath… we push all of this aside, to immerse ourselves in the pressure cooker of life. And all for what? Status? A false sense of security? To maintain our “image”? What is all this posturing for?

India is not immune to this. But there is something special about this place. So many spiritual Masters have come from here. Buddha was born in India. Westerners flock to this country seeking spirituality only to realize they are seeking a REUNION with their lost self. Every time I encounter someone who offends me or annoys me or someone I have a strong negative judgment towards, I try and picture them as a baby and then a little child. I first did this with my very own father. To better understand all the parts of him I simply couldn’t understand or accept. I began really trying my father on as a little boy. What it must have been like for him to be the eldest of four boys in a home that was erratic with violence and chaos due to alcohol. And even what the good days must have been like. What were his happiest memories as a youngster and what was his favorite food and favorite games to play? I don’t know what it is like to have walked in my fathers’ shoes. I’ve never known him as a young boy or a teenager. I have no idea what shaped his personality or why. Yet I have judged him on his actions with no insight as to the cause of them. This is what we do. We come to a country like India and bestow who we are on everyone around us. I am a work in progress. As Swamiji says, “You are the path and the goal”. If I can be gentle to a leper in the slums on the outskirts of town and the man with perpetually blood shot eyes on the beach front who leers at me and offers to show me the rooms he has for rent each and every day, then why can I not tame my violent feelings and behaviors to those I love the most?

If India is a zoo I am both the caged animal on display and the Zoo Keeper.